-------------------------------All A Dis! ---------by H.P. McHatey
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!!!!! It’s your favorite child movie reviewer, McHatey! Bringing you the finest and intriguing opinion of the world’s most renowned five year old movie critic! I know I have been gone for a while, but it’s only because I have been really, really, lazy, and video games are more important than this. Just kidding, but not really. Any who, its time for the most famous mentally challenged five year old art house aficionado to blow your minds and not anything else with my thoughts on………
Breach- Granted Ryan Philippe is kind of a Streisand (thank you Mr. Rudd), but he was ok. I don’t know why he’s taking these roles now instead of being another WASPy jerk blowing his sister, but unfortunately he still sounds like he’s twelve. The man of the hour in this film is the dude from American Beauty. Now I know I was really a cry baby when I was 18 and loved American Beauty, but it’s kinda lame now when I watch it. I guess because I’m not a big wuss anymore. Anyway, that dude is really good in it. He plays this bad ass dude but he’s not really bad ass. He’s actually a big dork like me who gave away secrets to the Russians. COOL!!! Ryan Pilipino needs to chill with the tough guy roles though, he’s got a vagina. Just kidding women!!!
HYPE IT BUT FUCK RYAN PHILLIPE FOR BEING A TOOL!!
300- This movie was pretty bad ass, but it was like watching a damn video game. I was watching these damn fight scenes, but all I wanted to do was play the damn thing. It didn’t help that I watched it in an IMAX cuz the whole time I was like “OK this is cool, but why am I not thinking this is really cool?” The fact is that I grew up and don’t think that slow motion decapitations are as exciting anymore. I mean I laughed at the ridiculous fight scenes cuz who really doesn’t mind seeing a giant elephant plummeting 300 feet smacking with a huge- ass thud! Overall I’m all about it, but I think my 5 year old brain needs a little more intellectual stimulation in the end. Madness? I know this is Sparta, but give me something!
HYPE IT, BUT IT’S BEEN HYPED ENOUGH. CAN’T WAIT FOR PART II THOUGH!!!
Trust the Man – David Duchovny is the dude from the X-Files. Julianne Moore is from a lot of movies. Billy Crudup is the dude from some movies too. Maggie Gyllenhaal is that annoying mousy bitch that keeps showing up in movies but every time I see her, I wanna smack those annoying lips out of her mouth. You would think this is a disaster of movie, but it wasn’t really that bad. They’re all charming and even that annoying dumb ass whose brother is way cooler is ok. But really it all revolves around the other three. Every time I saw Maggie’s dumb ass talk, I was hoping Billy Crudup would just leave her ass. It is however a lovely story of love that I fell in love with. I don’t love Maggie.
HYPE THIS CORNY ASS LOVE STORY WITH THAT CORNY ASS BITCH WHO’S MARRIED TO THAT SKARSGARD DUDE.
Hollywood Land – I normally like Ben Affleck. I don’t know why people hate on his ass so much. If he’s in a decent movie, he won’t fuck it up, and that’s what makes a marginally good actor. In this movie he kinda stepped it up a notch. When he was scared you believed he was scared. When he was some dude that shot himself (maybe shot himself?) sometimes you think Ben thinks about blowing his brains out. That chick from The Craft is in too, not that annoying one with busted lip, but the cute one, and the dude from The Pianist is in it too and he was ok but a little too whiny. Anyway, this movie was mad slow and made me really sleepy and in the end I was bored.
SHIT ON IT BARELY, ONLY BECAUSE IT’S A REALLY SLOW ASS MOVIE!!!
Bridge to Terabithia - Granted I like supposedly “kids” movies, I am of course really slow and have the attention span of an infant, so this movie was pretty alright. It had things that made you feel all lame and imagine shit, and I like that kind of shit. It had a really sad story with adorable kids being all adorable an’ shit. Overall this shit was mad cute. If you have a kid or if your slow ass boyfriend or girlfriend needs something to take the time away from writing shitty reviews about dumb ass movies, you should go see it. Maybe you’ll come out a little bit wussier. HYPE THIS KID SHIT!!!
Babel – This movie was aight, but it definitely was not as good as Amores Perros. That movie was BAD ASS Mexican film making. This one is kinda lame cuz it’s really, really slow. But it is really nice to watch and mad sad, but the repercussions of these dumb ass characters were not fully realized in my opinion. The writers should have done more to let you know what was really up with my man Brad Pitt or my dude from that Motorcycle Diaries shit. It was long, but you don’t really know much shit in the end. If I watch a long ass movie, I need to know more my Mexican director dude. But it was still aight.
HYPE IT BUT THIS MOVIE IS A LONG ASS MOVIE THAT DOESN’T TELL YOU MUCH!!
Well my little brain is bored and tired, but hopefully I’ll be back to give you movie reviews more annoying to read than Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Plaster Face. Good bye y’all and remember don’t hype it unless it’s really, really good. I am also a really big hypocrite.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!!!!! It’s your favorite child movie reviewer, McHatey! Bringing you the finest and intriguing opinion of the world’s most renowned five year old movie critic! I know I have been gone for a while, but it’s only because I have been really, really, lazy, and video games are more important than this. Just kidding, but not really. Any who, its time for the most famous mentally challenged five year old art house aficionado to blow your minds and not anything else with my thoughts on………
Breach- Granted Ryan Philippe is kind of a Streisand (thank you Mr. Rudd), but he was ok. I don’t know why he’s taking these roles now instead of being another WASPy jerk blowing his sister, but unfortunately he still sounds like he’s twelve. The man of the hour in this film is the dude from American Beauty. Now I know I was really a cry baby when I was 18 and loved American Beauty, but it’s kinda lame now when I watch it. I guess because I’m not a big wuss anymore. Anyway, that dude is really good in it. He plays this bad ass dude but he’s not really bad ass. He’s actually a big dork like me who gave away secrets to the Russians. COOL!!! Ryan Pilipino needs to chill with the tough guy roles though, he’s got a vagina. Just kidding women!!!
HYPE IT BUT FUCK RYAN PHILLIPE FOR BEING A TOOL!!
300- This movie was pretty bad ass, but it was like watching a damn video game. I was watching these damn fight scenes, but all I wanted to do was play the damn thing. It didn’t help that I watched it in an IMAX cuz the whole time I was like “OK this is cool, but why am I not thinking this is really cool?” The fact is that I grew up and don’t think that slow motion decapitations are as exciting anymore. I mean I laughed at the ridiculous fight scenes cuz who really doesn’t mind seeing a giant elephant plummeting 300 feet smacking with a huge- ass thud! Overall I’m all about it, but I think my 5 year old brain needs a little more intellectual stimulation in the end. Madness? I know this is Sparta, but give me something!
HYPE IT, BUT IT’S BEEN HYPED ENOUGH. CAN’T WAIT FOR PART II THOUGH!!!
Trust the Man – David Duchovny is the dude from the X-Files. Julianne Moore is from a lot of movies. Billy Crudup is the dude from some movies too. Maggie Gyllenhaal is that annoying mousy bitch that keeps showing up in movies but every time I see her, I wanna smack those annoying lips out of her mouth. You would think this is a disaster of movie, but it wasn’t really that bad. They’re all charming and even that annoying dumb ass whose brother is way cooler is ok. But really it all revolves around the other three. Every time I saw Maggie’s dumb ass talk, I was hoping Billy Crudup would just leave her ass. It is however a lovely story of love that I fell in love with. I don’t love Maggie.
HYPE THIS CORNY ASS LOVE STORY WITH THAT CORNY ASS BITCH WHO’S MARRIED TO THAT SKARSGARD DUDE.
Hollywood Land – I normally like Ben Affleck. I don’t know why people hate on his ass so much. If he’s in a decent movie, he won’t fuck it up, and that’s what makes a marginally good actor. In this movie he kinda stepped it up a notch. When he was scared you believed he was scared. When he was some dude that shot himself (maybe shot himself?) sometimes you think Ben thinks about blowing his brains out. That chick from The Craft is in too, not that annoying one with busted lip, but the cute one, and the dude from The Pianist is in it too and he was ok but a little too whiny. Anyway, this movie was mad slow and made me really sleepy and in the end I was bored.
SHIT ON IT BARELY, ONLY BECAUSE IT’S A REALLY SLOW ASS MOVIE!!!
Bridge to Terabithia - Granted I like supposedly “kids” movies, I am of course really slow and have the attention span of an infant, so this movie was pretty alright. It had things that made you feel all lame and imagine shit, and I like that kind of shit. It had a really sad story with adorable kids being all adorable an’ shit. Overall this shit was mad cute. If you have a kid or if your slow ass boyfriend or girlfriend needs something to take the time away from writing shitty reviews about dumb ass movies, you should go see it. Maybe you’ll come out a little bit wussier. HYPE THIS KID SHIT!!!
Babel – This movie was aight, but it definitely was not as good as Amores Perros. That movie was BAD ASS Mexican film making. This one is kinda lame cuz it’s really, really slow. But it is really nice to watch and mad sad, but the repercussions of these dumb ass characters were not fully realized in my opinion. The writers should have done more to let you know what was really up with my man Brad Pitt or my dude from that Motorcycle Diaries shit. It was long, but you don’t really know much shit in the end. If I watch a long ass movie, I need to know more my Mexican director dude. But it was still aight.
HYPE IT BUT THIS MOVIE IS A LONG ASS MOVIE THAT DOESN’T TELL YOU MUCH!!
Well my little brain is bored and tired, but hopefully I’ll be back to give you movie reviews more annoying to read than Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Plaster Face. Good bye y’all and remember don’t hype it unless it’s really, really good. I am also a really big hypocrite.
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