..... ........ ........Before Mega Bitchby H.P. McHatey
Welcome back to HYPE/HATE, where I take you on the most meaningful movie journeys in one paragraph or less. I would like to thank my uncle for taking me to see Menace to Society when I was ten. Nowadays, all I care about is wearing my L.A. Raiders hat that I bought off of EBay. The 90’s nostalgia begins with a movie that was made in 2006 but is about some fake historical shit from like a thousand years ago……….
Apocalypto- I came into this movie thinking “It might be good, but I don’t know how exciting watching native people for like 2 and a half hours are going to be.” Little did I know that this god damn movie was just as retarded as watching a Michael Bay film. And I even like some Michael Bay movies! The Rock was my shit! But c’mon Mel, you had to think that you could make a movie that was more watch able. I mean it was cool watching that dude get his head eaten by a jaguar, but what the fuck! Did we really need to see so much ‘dude ass’? Seriously though, I’m not one to complain about violence in a film, but do we really need to see every damn thing that happens when people get killed. I get it Mel, the guy’s throat was sliced, but I don’t have to see his ass while he falls down!
SHIT ON THIS FUCKING INCONSISTENT ASS MOVIE ABOUT MY FOREFATHERS.
Saw III- Man, this movie made me want to make the people who made this movie fight a naked bum on a pile of shit. That situation is way more frightening than the ones this crap movie made. Why the hell does every death machine in this movie make me feel like they just told some lame as 10 year old who watched Menace to Society to write it? I liked the first Saw, I thought it kicked ass, but the problem with this piece of shit is that I just found myself waiting to vomit my chicken sandwich to the next dumb ass device that kills some bad actor. Fuck that. I’d rather go watch Mean Girls.
SHIT THESE FUCKERS WHO MADE THIS, CUZ THEY ACTUALLY LEFT ROOM TO MAKE A FOURTH ONE! FUCK THAT!
Clerks II- Fuck Kevin Smith, who the fuck does he think he is putting that Smashing Pumpkins song in his dumb ass movie. That shit was the cheesiest thing I ever saw. That scene when that dude was looking at some little fat girl was probably Kevin Smith reminiscing about his days when he was a little fat girl. It’s fucked up to, because I do like a lot of his movies, but to tell the truth, the jokes aren’t as funny when you’re not 16 anymore. The only funny shit in this movie was the geeky kid who talks about the troll living in his girl’s vagina. He was pretty funny, but Jay and Silent Bob, were not on top of their game like in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Their unfunniness wasn’t even that disappointing. The worst part of this movie is having to listen that fucking Smashing Pumpkins song while that cheesy ass montage was going on. Fuck him for making me watch that shit.
SHIT ON KEVIN SMITH FOR PUTTING IN SOME CHEESY ASS MONTAGE!! ASSHOLE.
Rocky Balboa- Call me an idiot, but every time I watch a Rocky movie, I can barely hold back any tears. I can barely hold back any punches when I beat the crap outta homeless people and pregnant women after watching a Rocky movie! I’m just kidding ladies and winos. Seriously, watching this movie made me feel like The Belle of Da Ball after it ended. The best music in the movie isn’t even the music for the running montage, even though that’s the one that gets most people pumped up. The best music is always the end when Rocky finishes a fight. Those horns at the end always make me cry like a bitch! God damn you Sylvester Stallone for making me love your dumb ass movies. God bless Rocky! Micky loves you.
HYPE THIS MOVIE IF YOU’RE INTO BEATING UP FAT KIDS!!!
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle- I kinda hesitated on this movie cuz I watched Superman Returns and I saw Kumar play one of Lex Luthor’s goons. It kinda made me feel like it wasn’t going to be that funny. I mean to be honest, it was kinda corny, but there were some parts that had me cracking up. I did enjoy the part with the guy from Two Guys, A Girl and Pizza Place. He was also Van Wilder, and he played one of the good guys in the last Blade, but I can’t remember his name? He just broke up with Alanis Morrisette, but what the fuck is his name? You know that guy? He’s got like blonde hair? He’s a funny guy! Anyway, Kumar was a little annoying but Harold was ok. Overall I’m gonna have to hype this movie because no movie has ever made me want White Castle more in my life. I’ve already gone twice this week! You should try the fish nibblers, they’re good! The mozzarella sticks are the bomb too! Fuck, what’s his god damn name?
HYPE THIS SHIT FOR MAKING ME SHIT OUT WHITE CASTLE TWICE IN ONE WEEK!!
Brazil- I have to admit, this movie always makes me feel like I keep watching that guy who did those Volkswagen commercials during the 90’s, but I’m glad this movie was made cuz it always makes me feel like I can fuck shit up! It’s also a really sad movie, and I always get freaked out at the end, but you know he might’ve had a lot of fun while he was alive, and Robert Deniro is in this shit too! That’s all you need yo! You get shit getting blown up, and a good story, what more do you need?
HYPE IT LIKE IT HURTS!!!!!!!!
Pirates of the Caribbean II- I gotta admit, I love this shit! This pirate stuff makes me wanna grab a sword and stab my co-worker Al all day. I didn’t really like the first one but for some reason it grew on me. One thing is for sure I really stopped getting snooty about movies. If my reviews prove anything its that the bar is set pretty low, so for a movie to be shitted on has to be really shitty. But this one was just plain ole’ fun. For part III I will have a make-shift plank and force Al to jump down so his nuts hit the top of a lamp post.
HYPE IT FOR THAT DREAMY MOTHERFUCKA, MR. DEPP!!!!!!!!!!
Commando- Obviously not the cream of the crop when it comes to Arnold Schwarzenegger action flicks. It does have its moments though, like when he rips out a car chair, or when he snaps the neck of some dude sitting next to him on a plane. “Dead tired” he says to the stewardess! That shit had me rolling! You also get Alyssa Milano when she wasn’t such a mega-bitch. Who’s the Boss my ass; this was the shit that made her a star in my eyes.
HYPE THIS SHIT WITH A FUCKED UP AMERICAN ACCENT!!!!!!!!!!
Well that’s all for now, I’ll be back with more fucked up reviews soon. I have Hard Boiled but I couldn’t watch it cuz I got too tired. When I finish watching it I can finally talk about my self-made double-wielding Beretta action video that was made when I was 15 that bears a striking resemblance to the Star Wars Kid video, but way cooler.
Welcome back to HYPE/HATE, where I take you on the most meaningful movie journeys in one paragraph or less. I would like to thank my uncle for taking me to see Menace to Society when I was ten. Nowadays, all I care about is wearing my L.A. Raiders hat that I bought off of EBay. The 90’s nostalgia begins with a movie that was made in 2006 but is about some fake historical shit from like a thousand years ago……….
Apocalypto- I came into this movie thinking “It might be good, but I don’t know how exciting watching native people for like 2 and a half hours are going to be.” Little did I know that this god damn movie was just as retarded as watching a Michael Bay film. And I even like some Michael Bay movies! The Rock was my shit! But c’mon Mel, you had to think that you could make a movie that was more watch able. I mean it was cool watching that dude get his head eaten by a jaguar, but what the fuck! Did we really need to see so much ‘dude ass’? Seriously though, I’m not one to complain about violence in a film, but do we really need to see every damn thing that happens when people get killed. I get it Mel, the guy’s throat was sliced, but I don’t have to see his ass while he falls down!
SHIT ON THIS FUCKING INCONSISTENT ASS MOVIE ABOUT MY FOREFATHERS.
Saw III- Man, this movie made me want to make the people who made this movie fight a naked bum on a pile of shit. That situation is way more frightening than the ones this crap movie made. Why the hell does every death machine in this movie make me feel like they just told some lame as 10 year old who watched Menace to Society to write it? I liked the first Saw, I thought it kicked ass, but the problem with this piece of shit is that I just found myself waiting to vomit my chicken sandwich to the next dumb ass device that kills some bad actor. Fuck that. I’d rather go watch Mean Girls.
SHIT THESE FUCKERS WHO MADE THIS, CUZ THEY ACTUALLY LEFT ROOM TO MAKE A FOURTH ONE! FUCK THAT!
Clerks II- Fuck Kevin Smith, who the fuck does he think he is putting that Smashing Pumpkins song in his dumb ass movie. That shit was the cheesiest thing I ever saw. That scene when that dude was looking at some little fat girl was probably Kevin Smith reminiscing about his days when he was a little fat girl. It’s fucked up to, because I do like a lot of his movies, but to tell the truth, the jokes aren’t as funny when you’re not 16 anymore. The only funny shit in this movie was the geeky kid who talks about the troll living in his girl’s vagina. He was pretty funny, but Jay and Silent Bob, were not on top of their game like in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Their unfunniness wasn’t even that disappointing. The worst part of this movie is having to listen that fucking Smashing Pumpkins song while that cheesy ass montage was going on. Fuck him for making me watch that shit.
SHIT ON KEVIN SMITH FOR PUTTING IN SOME CHEESY ASS MONTAGE!! ASSHOLE.
Rocky Balboa- Call me an idiot, but every time I watch a Rocky movie, I can barely hold back any tears. I can barely hold back any punches when I beat the crap outta homeless people and pregnant women after watching a Rocky movie! I’m just kidding ladies and winos. Seriously, watching this movie made me feel like The Belle of Da Ball after it ended. The best music in the movie isn’t even the music for the running montage, even though that’s the one that gets most people pumped up. The best music is always the end when Rocky finishes a fight. Those horns at the end always make me cry like a bitch! God damn you Sylvester Stallone for making me love your dumb ass movies. God bless Rocky! Micky loves you.
HYPE THIS MOVIE IF YOU’RE INTO BEATING UP FAT KIDS!!!
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle- I kinda hesitated on this movie cuz I watched Superman Returns and I saw Kumar play one of Lex Luthor’s goons. It kinda made me feel like it wasn’t going to be that funny. I mean to be honest, it was kinda corny, but there were some parts that had me cracking up. I did enjoy the part with the guy from Two Guys, A Girl and Pizza Place. He was also Van Wilder, and he played one of the good guys in the last Blade, but I can’t remember his name? He just broke up with Alanis Morrisette, but what the fuck is his name? You know that guy? He’s got like blonde hair? He’s a funny guy! Anyway, Kumar was a little annoying but Harold was ok. Overall I’m gonna have to hype this movie because no movie has ever made me want White Castle more in my life. I’ve already gone twice this week! You should try the fish nibblers, they’re good! The mozzarella sticks are the bomb too! Fuck, what’s his god damn name?
HYPE THIS SHIT FOR MAKING ME SHIT OUT WHITE CASTLE TWICE IN ONE WEEK!!
Brazil- I have to admit, this movie always makes me feel like I keep watching that guy who did those Volkswagen commercials during the 90’s, but I’m glad this movie was made cuz it always makes me feel like I can fuck shit up! It’s also a really sad movie, and I always get freaked out at the end, but you know he might’ve had a lot of fun while he was alive, and Robert Deniro is in this shit too! That’s all you need yo! You get shit getting blown up, and a good story, what more do you need?
HYPE IT LIKE IT HURTS!!!!!!!!
Pirates of the Caribbean II- I gotta admit, I love this shit! This pirate stuff makes me wanna grab a sword and stab my co-worker Al all day. I didn’t really like the first one but for some reason it grew on me. One thing is for sure I really stopped getting snooty about movies. If my reviews prove anything its that the bar is set pretty low, so for a movie to be shitted on has to be really shitty. But this one was just plain ole’ fun. For part III I will have a make-shift plank and force Al to jump down so his nuts hit the top of a lamp post.
HYPE IT FOR THAT DREAMY MOTHERFUCKA, MR. DEPP!!!!!!!!!!
Commando- Obviously not the cream of the crop when it comes to Arnold Schwarzenegger action flicks. It does have its moments though, like when he rips out a car chair, or when he snaps the neck of some dude sitting next to him on a plane. “Dead tired” he says to the stewardess! That shit had me rolling! You also get Alyssa Milano when she wasn’t such a mega-bitch. Who’s the Boss my ass; this was the shit that made her a star in my eyes.
HYPE THIS SHIT WITH A FUCKED UP AMERICAN ACCENT!!!!!!!!!!
Well that’s all for now, I’ll be back with more fucked up reviews soon. I have Hard Boiled but I couldn’t watch it cuz I got too tired. When I finish watching it I can finally talk about my self-made double-wielding Beretta action video that was made when I was 15 that bears a striking resemblance to the Star Wars Kid video, but way cooler.
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