Hype/Hate for February 13, 2007

.....---------------------------------Crazy mayonaise eating ass

by H.P Mchatey

Welcome back to another edition of my most favorite way to vent out my dumb ass opinions, HYPE/HATE. Todays HH is brought to you by: The Flexi Seal Fecal Collector! The best colostomy bag on the market today! If you need a doo doo pouch, make sure it says Flexi Seal on it! Today I start off by talking about not only my favorite German film about a Spanish Conquistador, but also quite possibly the best film in which someone sucker punches an animal……….

Aguirre, The Wrath of God- This review shall be written as a fan letter to the late actor who plays Aguirre.
Dear Mr. Kinski,
First off, I would like to say that you are quite possibly the scariest human being I have ever seen in my life. My fears even worsened when I heard that loud ass voice of yours coming from yo mouth. With that said, let me congratulate you on this wonderful performance of a crazy-ass Spaniard speaking in German. You are by far the craziest dude ever, and watching you punch that horse in the face was one of the most hilarious displays of animal abuse in a film since the first Conan. I have to admit the movie was a little long, but only because the best parts were you being a crazy ass conquistador abusing all the natives. That shit was awesome. I have seen other movies you’ve been in, but your performance in this one is perhaps your best. Thank you for looking as crazy as you sound.

Love,
McHatey

HYPE movies with crazy ass Germans!!!!!!

Hard Boiled- After watching this movie for the first time since I was in high school, it made me realize that John Woo played hisself in Face Off. I mean c’mon John, you stay using the same shit you already used in a dope ass movie. I understand the doves flying around as your own movie shit, but you made Nick Cage basically be the undercover dude in Hard Boiled. John Woo you made a crazy ass movie, and watching Chinese dudes shoot guns at each other is way cooler than watching John Travolta and his dumb ass. Chow Yun is the man, and always WILL be the man. Too bad he’s doing movies with swords instead of some bad ass shotgun. Fuck you John for making such a bad ass movie.
HYPE THIS SHIT FOR CRAZY ASS CHINESE DUDES!!!!!!!!!

Fearless- I’m glad Jet Li left America cuz he was making some shitty ass movies. He’s already redeemed himself in Hero, but Fearless is probably the best shit he’s made since beforre he came to America. He’s always at his best when he’s actually in a story that doesn’t have DMX in it. I don’t normally like kung fu movies either, but this one touched a brotha. Thank god it didn’t touch DMX’s crackhead ass into being in this film.
HYPE MY KUNG FU MAN’S LAST MOVIE!!!!!!!

The Departed- Though I would like to see the Hong Kong version because I AM a big nerd and just love seeing the originals of remakes. I have to admit this movie had just the right mix of kick ass action and storytelling to have my mother and I enthralled while watching it in the theater. That was a long ass sentence I just wrote that most likely IS too long, but you catch my drift. Movie good. Watch Leo smoke people. Jack crazy-ass old man. Marky Mark mad funny. Martin deserves Oscar. Not in gay way.
HYPE THE OLD ASS CRAZY MOFO THAT IS JACK NICHOLSON AND THE FUNKY BUNCH!!

Jerry Maguire- I fucking hate this movie. I fucking hate Cameron Crowe. I usually don’t like to hate on people, but this hate has gone on since his dumb ass made this movie and Almost Famous. Don’t forget his dumb ass made Singles and Vanilla Sky. For me to watch Jerry McGuire it takes a lot just to not drink all that Hater-ade. This man makes shitty ass dramas that are supposed to make grown ass people giggle like little bitches just cuz the line the actor said was quirky or some shit. Fuck that, if I want some quirky dialogue that I can’t stand, but would much rather watch than a Cameron Crowe film, I’ll watch Buffy or some shit. And I usually like watching Tom Cruise movies. Fuck you Cameron Crowe, just be glad your bland ass wrote Fast Times.
HATE THIS DUMB ASS, CORNY ASS, BLAND ASS, MAYONNAISE SANDWICH EATING PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE.

That last movie sucked all the Hate-eration out of me. Check back again to read another review about another dumb-ass Cameron Crowe film on HH. Peace out my nerds.