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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

HYPE/HATE for January 30, 2007

......................... around the world and a back snap
By HP McHatey

Welcome back to HYPE/HATE, where we find out what dumb things linger in my mind about recent movies I have seen while sitting on my fat ass!! I will be setting the Hype/Hate rating system as the greatest ratings system since Men on Film’s. To tell the truth, I feel like I’m ripping them off but oh well……….. Today we start off with my favorite dystopian futuristic tale…………..

Children of Men- Let me start off by saying that I have gone on the posts of IMDB to read about how people are hyping/hating this movie. Let me tell you…… we are living in the greatest times when you can actually give your dumb ass opinions about any damn thing!! Wait a sec……. Is that what I’m doing now? YES IT IS!! Whateva, cuz I will do what I want. This movie was so great that when you watch it in the theaters you’re almost crapping your pants cuz the explosions are so God damn loud. I won’t ruin the movie but there was a scene that looked so friggin’ real, I vomited my pretzel bites on my girlfriend. It was a beautiful scene though, and the end made me think about what my life would be like if I was friends with Clive Owen. It would probably be pretty cool.
-HYPE what yo mamma gave ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Borat- Listen, I don’t mean to sound Too Cool For School or something, but I thought it was funnier when it was on HBO. The jokes were fresh, and didn’t have the attachment of being played out by Middle American white kids who impersonate him while I play against them online with my Xbox 360. Ok that’s a nerdy comment, but it’s fucked up that these kids impersonate him, and then end up calling me “jew” with their real voices! WTF! I’m not Jewish, but if I was, it would be pretty cool to have one of those Hassidic dude’s hats cuz they look like Wyatt Earp or some shit. Those online kids are god damn jerks. OK, enough rantifying, the movie was ok, and seeing the fat guy’s hairy ass on Borat’s face was pretty awesome. Wowaweewa.
-HYPE’d kind of, but HYPE the shit out of the original sketches.

The Descent- It was cool watching all these bitches duke (not dyke) it out against some ugly ass monsters. I swear to god, the first time I saw those white pieces of shit flying out at those women, it made me feel like those chicks fucked up for the last time. I mean c’mon, you really gone’ go down there tryin’ act a fool? PUHLEASE! I dig the feminist undertones too. But I wouldn’t want to go into a giant vagina if it had those things coming out of it.

The Illusionist- I normally love watching any piece of crap Eddie Norton makes. This one however, made me feel like he punched me in the face and made me smell a bum’s asshole. It was funny too cuz I was kinda into it at first. I wanted to know the secret of The Orange Tree just as much as PIG VOMIT. That’s a Howard Stern reference for those who aren’t complete tools like I am. Seriously though, as this movie kept going, I was wondering why they fuck I was putting up with this dumb ass shit till the “surprise end”. Long story short, fuck happy endings, they only make you realize what a jerk you were for following the story.

United 93- HAAAAAAAAAATED IT! Just kidding, however, this movie was kind of a bore fest until the end, and then it made me cry like a little bitch. All the Muslim dudes and the white people freaked me out. IT WAS Too real for me. It was a great story, but too much of this “hey what did you have to eat today?” conversating. It made me feel like slapping all the non-famous people in this movie.
HYPE IT for its realness, nah mean!

Beowulf and Grendel- Man this movie was a fucking turd waiting to come out of the director’s butt. The whole time I was thinking to myself “Man, there are going to be so many awesome fighting scenes in this piece!” but all I get is Grendel pissing on the soldier’s fort. C’mon man, you didn’t have to make this shit into Animal House. The part where Grendel’s arm gets ripped off is pretty crazy. And how the hell does a normal girl have sex with him, that shit was so weird. He busted like after a second too, that’s some ole’ bullshit.

That’s it folks! Tune for more shitty reviews on HYPE/HATE and remember, I have three words for how I feel about you readers: FAB YOU LOUS!!!! Don’t hate me cuz I’M beautiful. Two snaps around the back my nerds!


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rodney said...

two snaps and a twist biatch