Craptacular Flick: Dark Floors

Most people on Halloween go out to costume parties, trick or treating, or crazy parades. However there is a certain number of folks like myself who prefer to stay home and watch a horror movie marathon with friends. The movie of choice was Dark Floors directed by Pete Riski. I have to say it was pretty "risky" for Mr. Riski to make this film. The script wasn't very good. The film is about a father treating his autistic daughter for a brain condition. He sees that the hospital is not very successful in treating his daughter Sarah, so he decides to leave the hospital.

Sarah's nurse Emily, insists that the little girl stay for some further "experimental procedures". At that moment, Emily, Sarah, and her father Ben get on an elevator with three other passengers. The elevator suddenly stops and they find themselves stuck. Several moments later the elevator resumes down to the 4th floor and as the elevator doors open...no one is in the hospital! I mean...nobody! Pretty scary right?

Well here's the thing, the movie takes an awful turn from this point, because we are first led to believe that they have arrived in another dimension of time---which we presume is quite possibly the future. However, all the sudden ghosts appear out of nowhere haunting the floors of the hospital and monsters dressed like members of the band Kiss come out attacking the 6 hospital patrons.

This movie just got a little weird and its ending was soooo ambiguous. I mean it actually lacked any logic and I was very dissapointed that I invested 2 hours into a film that had an ending that meant absolutely nothing. After doing some research, I found out this film apparently was the most expensive Finnish horror film to be produced. Ever. Wow...I'll hold my tongue and not insult the entire country of Finland, but they need to take some tips from American horror films...or better yet Japanese horror films.

Anyways, maybe you should check out Dark Floors and judge for yourself. Maybe you'll like it. Or maybe you'll agree and think that it sucked major monster's balls. Either way, this is being archived as a shitty indie. It may not necessarily be an "indie" per se, but it's still shitty.

Worst Acting Ever!

M Night Shyamalan is a good friend of mine...in my head. I've loved his work for years and as of late M Night has dissapointed me. He hasn't delivered the way he has in the past when it comes to making great films with those plot twisters we all once loved.

He was doing well when he made films like The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Signs. Hell even though alotta critics and other folk didn't like it...I actually cheered for The Village. But then all of the sudden M Night is shooting out craptacular flicks like Lady In The Water and now...The Happening.

Now the story behind the film---which I won't spoil for you is actually not that bad. Unfortunately, the story wasn't executed as well as it could have which made the movie quite poor. The plot had some major potential, but once again my friend in my head just didn't deliver. Now what made this movie smell even worse than the 51st train station on a hot ass day? Mark Wahlberg acting.

Honestly, I was quite surprised that his acting sucked major monster's balls. I thought maybe having an Oscar nomination under his belt proved he was a true thespian. WRONG.

Here is my list of Mark Wahlberg's bad acting moments:

1. What was up with the high pitch voice? Did you guys notice he was trying way too hard to sound like someone was squeezing his crotch?

2. What was up with the way he walked? It was corny and gay.

3. Was he gay? Was the subtext that his character Elliot Moore was a homo? Cuz I totally got the I'm into dudes vibe.

4. Why did he repeat everything someone would say to him? "There's been an accident". "There's been an accident?" "I like playing gay guys who wear mood rings". "You like playing gay guys who wear mood rings?" See what I'm sayin??

5. Why was he so cavalier after people kept dying? Can we see some range of emotion??

6. Why couldn't they have just cast Mark L. Wahlberg instead? Ya know host of Moment Of Truth? Besides the intensity and drama of his line of questioning is more edge of your seat than this film will ever be.

I could go on and on but I'm gonna stop. I just want to let you guys know how dissapointed I was in his acting. Oh wellz...I guess I'll just pop in the my DVD rental of Lost Boys 2. Now that's some real acting!!!

Stop Making Movies Together!!

Can we get an online petition going to STOP Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson from making movies??? Please??!??? According to Dark Horizons, Hudson has confirmed that she and her "Fool's Gold" and "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days" co-star plan to reunite in a remake of the 1978 comedy thriller hit "Foul Play" which starred Chevy Chase and her mother Goldie Hawn.

Hawn starred as a divorcee who becomes reluctantly embroiled in an elaborate scheme involving the assassination of the Pope during a papal visit to San Francisco. The film used many memorable elements including an albino assassin, a pushy dwarf salesman and of course Dudley Moore playing a sleazy musical conductor with a closet full of sex toys.

Will Hollywood ever learn?? Do we really need to see these two with the worst kind of on-screen chemistry (in my opinion) appear together in another movie which is destined to be a flop??!?? Perhaps we can use their movies as a way to toture hostage prisoners or use them as a first date flick to watch with someone you reaaaallly don't like. Or better yet...use their movies as a stocking stuffer instead of sending the old petrified fruit cake eh??

Oh well...another one bites the dust.

Source: DarkHorizons

We Love It When Hollywood Fucks Up A Good Thing

With Cannes comin up and thangs apparently Donnie Darko 2 is being shopped around and is currently on the market for bidding. Fox has already picked up distribution rights and now it appears that this is the real deal. Hollywood once again is fuckin up royally by capitalizing on the quintessential indie cult classic Donnie Darko by making it a sequel. Why??? Why???

Daviegh Chase reprises her role as Donnie's younger sister and the rest of the cast are a bunch of nobodys. Lets see Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl Briana Evigan from Step Up 2 and Justin Chatwin from Dragon Ball. I love seeing a sequel with a bunch of D-listers!!! It's so refreshing!

The story picks up seven years after the first film (and Donnie's death) when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.

The project starts shooting May 18.

Will we see Jakey boy?? Of course not! He's smart enough to know as an A-lister you never do sequels to movies that don't need one. What would he have to gain from being in this craptacular flick? Maybe they should cast his sis. She would be phenomenal as the evil bunny--no costume required. We luv u Gylls!

Coutresy of Screen Daily

Maggie Gyllenhall Gets Involved in a 3-way Lesbian Orgy

Apparently there is this short film out on the net made to support the ongoing Writer's Guild Association's strike and the film stars none other than Maggie GAAGyenhall.

In the clip, the Secretary star turns up to a hotel room to meet a man only to find two other beauties waiting to see the SAME fella. The man called AMPiTePa - short for Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers - has stood them all up. After a spell period of frustration, Maggie takes a swig from her glass of wine and says: "We don't need him. We've got everything we need right here. "Girls - you want to make an interim agreement?" The other ladies join her on the bed, but, as things start to get interesting, the lights fade and the film ends with a sexy pizza delivery girl entering the bedroom.

I guess you can watch the video and judge for yourself. In my opinion, there's nothing hot about Maggie gettin it on with ANYONE. Seein her face alone just makes me wanna gag. The only cool thing about this video is that its 3 and 1/2 minutes long....thank Gawd. We can only hope her screen time in Dark Knight will be as long. Seriously though....with a face like that she shoulda played The Joker.



SOURCE: I Don't Like You That Way

Two Shitty NY TV Shows

So let's compare and contrast here...

Which show is smellier? Which show sucks bigger monster's balls? Which show will be canned first?

I know I know...I'm a lil harsh here, but I can't helpz it. Cashmere Mafia is a snorefest and Lipstick Jungle looks like a wannabee Charlie's Angels...the movie version. They shoulda just cast Lucy Liu in Lipstick instead...then all the fans of that movie would probably like the show. Uugggh. Booooring. I rather watch Sex And The City for the 18th time. Really...I have watched every episode of the entire series at least 18 times. I know...that's extreme.

The NY Post did an article about these craptacular shows and compared their similarities:

Cashmere has Darren Star---creator of Sex And The City is the executive producer

Lipstick is based on a novel by Candance Bushnell---creator of... take a wild guess?

The locations shot for both shows are in the obvious parts of Manhattan (since those are the only areas worth shooting apparently) Madison Square park, SoHo streets, Hudson Street, Upper East Side

Both shows share:

Whiny crybaby chick music

Unshaven scruffy hubbies

Travel is only conducted by a corporate jet or private car

The only difference? The chick Caitlin is an "experimental lesbian" OMG can the show get any worse?? The obligatory character struggling with their sexuality....YAWN.

I really wish more networks would allow first time writers to pitch MORE pilots during pilot season. Then recycled trash like these 2 shows would never see the light of day.

Wannabeez!

Knockoffs. I can’t stand em. Why is it that every time a movie does commercially well some Hollywood producer finds it “marketable” to create a carbon copy prototype? There is this movie distributed by AfterDarkFilms called Captivity.

AfterDark films recently released the film Abandoned and they are a fairly new distributor that focuses more on horror and psychological thrillers. So here is the film synopsis for Captivity: A man and a woman awaken to find themselves captured in a cellar. As their kidnapper drives them psychologically mad, the truth about their horrific abduction is revealed.

Hmmmm….sounds familiar perhaps maybe like the sleeper hit Saw???

Yeah, this is gonna suck. Monster’s balls.

Unfortunately, people will be drawn to see this film becuz of the cool lookin poster. Wouldn’t you wanna see a movie with a poster like that??

Thanks SlashFilm

12 Worst Sequels Of ALL Time!

Sequels. Some work. Some suck. Apparently after reaching number 1 at the box office and grossing 38 million domestically in its first week, Wild Hogs may turn into a sequel.

I guess they’re gonna do that with Ghost Rider too.

Well hell, while you’re at it, you might as well add Basic InSTINK 3 to the mix!
Uggh! So at NYIndieSeen, we took it upon ourselves to list the WORST sequels EVER!

Enjoy kidz…

1. Basic Instink 2 – The movie sucked so bad it smelled.

2. The Matrix Neverendolutions – When I saw the ending I felt robbed of 6 hours of my life. Well maybe 4 since the first one was actually good.

3. The Next Karate Horse ummm…Kid – I’m sorry but Hilary Swank filling Macchio’s shoes was dumb as hell.

4. Teen Justin-Bateman-WTF? Too – Why did they just change actors on us? I hate it when they do that!

5. Batman and His Bitch…I mean Robin – Who asked Joel Schumacher to add nipples to the costume to bring in more moviegoers??

6. Dumb and Dumberest Movie Ever – This is 2 hours of my life I will NEVER get back. Sob.

7. Speed 2 Without Keanu – Hey that rhymed! I’m sorry but the lack of Keanu’s hotness made this movie a dud.

8. Greasy 2 – I think Didi Conn was like the only original cast member in this craptacular flick.

9. I Still Know Why This Movie Sucks – as in I Know What You Did Last Summer…yea even Jennifer “the D cup” Love-Hewitt’s twins couldn’t save this movie.

10. Queen Of The DAMMIT! – This sequel to Interview With The Vampire is soooo bad. Ann Rice is crying in a little corner right now becuz of it.

11. The Fly (without Geena Davis) II – Once again, do not get rid of the actors that made the movie interesting to watch.

12. The Ring (I’d rather have a real one) Two – Was this supposed to be a horror film?

Screen Actors Trick Card: Tara Reid Owns One

I remember back in the day she actually was someone worth watching on the big screen. Remember her in the indie film Girl? Well I’m sure you remember her most from American Pie. Then she decide to go all slutterella on us and become the “Hollywood Party Girl”. She’s only worth blogging about because unfortunately she actually has a career in this business. WTF.

Anyways, we want to salute Tara Reid for being the first to obtain the world class Screen Actors Trick Card! You’ve made some mistakes and we appreciate you for making them! Keep on keeping on girl! With hit films like Van Wilder and My Boss’s Daughter, we’re really glad that you have made your mark in Hollywood. There are so many undiscovered talented actresses out there who cannot get a job because of you making one craptacular film to the next. I mean Devil’s Pond could have gone to an undiscovered talented award-worthy actress, but instead it went to you! Thank you so much for preventing that from happening.

God forbid Hollywood actually starts paying attention to talent above “hookerish” behavior. We can’t have our actresses in Hollywood actually caring about their craft now? Hollywood actresses MUST by all means party every weekday at the places like the Roxy in Hollywood or Marquee in NYC. They must do at least 3-5 lines of coke per night, and they HAVE to sleep with Colin Ferrell—that’s the only way to attain the Screen Actors Trick Card. Get your SAT’s here folks!

Tara Reid! We salute you!

Don't See Open Water 2: Adrift or Ghost Rider For That Matter...

Damn why do movie studios have to cash in on a good thing? Why why why???? There are thousands of GOOD independent filmmakers who are starving to get distribution and get their films made.

But noooo, big movie studios run by producers who know absolutely nothing about filmmaking and instead have MBA’s rather than Film degrees prefer to choose a piece of shit trash like Open Water 2: Adrift or Ghost Rider which NYIndieSeen predicted that it would be shotty and all of the major film critics agreed.

We need better movies! We need to end the establishment of studio distribution! We want INDIE! Can I just say that the only films that actually have been worthy of awards within the past 10 years have all been independent films?

So do us a favor, instead of renting this craptacular film on DVD when its released on Feb 20th rent Babel or Shut Up and Sing. Instead of paying to see Ghost Rider save your money next week and watch The Abandoned or if you wanna go out and check out a flick we rather you see Tyler Perry’s new flick. Or catch up on the Oscar nominated films this year, since the Oscars will air next weekend. Give yourself something more productive to do rather than waste 2 hours of your life that you will never get back.

J.

P.S. I know that the studios are hungry for comic book films and thought maybe Ghost Rider would be bankable. Perhaps if next time they think to cast unknown TALENTED actors instead washed up Alist turned Blist actors in the film, it possibly could have been a better movie. Perhaps.

Edison Force: WTF??

So a friend of mine was telling me about this movie he saw at Blockbuster. On the coverbox it featured LL Cool J armed with a SWAT sized gat and Justin Timberlake. I was like wha??

So I look it up on IMDB and couldn't believe that a film was actually made with LL Cool J, Justin Timberlake, Kevin Spacey, and Morgan Freeman? Are you fuckin serious??

The name of the film is called Edison Force.

Are you telling me these Academy Award worthy actors (except LL and Timbertoes) actually agreed to be in this piece of crap? Also Cary Elwes, Roselyn Sanchez and Dylan McDermott appear in the film. Wow, so they actually manage to put together a budget with all of these high profile actors to make this waste of celluloid?

There's like 20 executive producers listed for this film and it makes me think of a the joke...

Q: How many producers does it take to make a piece of shit movie?

A: The amount of producers it took to make Edison Force.

Don't take my word for it, feel free to rent the movie yourself and judge it on your own, but don't say I didn't warn you.

I just wanna know how did these producers convince all these actors to appear in this film? I mean, wow how did they do that? Hypnosis? Justin Timberlake's new CD? A free lifetime membership to Netflix? What?

Oh wellz I can only hope I make a craptacular film like Edison Force and have those actors as my stars.

This ones Gonna Suck: Ghost Rider

Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider, from the same guy who wrote Daredevil?

the writings on the wall for this one.

Maybe we'll Netflix it ......... Maybe

Extraneous Stuff

One of our NYIndieSeen Staffers is going to an off-Broadway play tonite featuring Tom Everett Scott. You may know Tom from the film That Thing You Do and he is also in the new Mandy Moore (yuck, she's dating Nicole Richie's leftovers) flick Because I said So. I remember him as the stick-up-his-ass boss in Boiler Room though.

Well here is an article about the play of any of you even care.

Johnny Galecki is in it too. Wasn't he DJ from Roseanne? Oh no, that was the lil fat kid. He was Darlene's (closeted lesbian) beard-boyfriend on the show. They had a kid and everything too. So if you're in the city, and you have absolutely nothing else to do (which is rare), then see what's its all about.

We'll let you know if it sucked.

That Damn Bad-Hair Day Bride Video

Unless you've been living under a rock or simply don't give a shit, you may have heard about this video circulating over the Internet about A bride who sees her hair for the first time on her wedding day and repulsed by what she sees. She decides to cut her hair off.

When I first saw this video it looked quite real and kinda funny, But then it was leaked that the bitch in the video who claims she hates her hair is an actress. She's from Canada or something like that. Figures. Anywayz, when I watched the video again after KNOWING it was fake, I realized this fool really can't act. But who cares what I think. The video is doing well, and on YouTube it already has OVER 2 MILLION views and it was just added on January 18th! Pretty phenomenal huh?

Wouldn't that be somethin if YouTube paid each person 1 cent for each time someone views your video? Damn...this broad already banked 200K!

Makes you wanna add some more of your videos on our Short Film Corner blog huh? Yeah...you know you want to. DEW IT. DEW IT.

In case you haven't seen this bore fest of a video, here it is in all its glory. Enjoy. I guess.

Jeremy Piven: Why Do We Care?

Now NYIndieSeen is not all about spilling a bunch a haterade on Hollywood actors and the Film industry, but we just question why Jeremy Piven is someone is Hollywood that has a career? Why do we care about this guy?

Is it because of Entourage?

Damn why did that show have to come into existence?

Remember when he was making fall out craptacular hits like PCU and Judgement Night? Nobody gave a shit about him then? So why should we care now? And now he's dissin on his old pal John Cusack!?! What the hell is that all about?

If it weren't for Cusack, Jeremy Piven would be a N-O-B-O-D-Y in this biz. Pivster, u aint all that! Well at least we know that in order to make it in Hollywood you don't have to be well liked...or even have a talent to act. He plays himself in every role "the sarcastic-condescending-prick". Maybe he's playing Himself?? Could be. But he's just another actor in this biz that is taking up some poor talented Julliard-schooled humble-down-to-earth-sweet-charismatic-ATTRACTIVE actor who deserves to be SEEN. O wellz. Too bad Sopranos are in their final season on HBO.

Jim Carrey's new Movie!

check out the trailer here

umm, I think Ill pass,

Let me know when Ace Ventura 3 comes out _K?, __Alrighty then.

What Can't this bitch Do??

As you all know, the Sundance film festival is currently underway in Park City, Utah, and despite the celeb sight seeing, Paparazi stalk fest it has become the festival is really all about the Movies. About celebrating indie films, It is used as a showcase for independent filmmakers to Premiere there latest projects, be recognized by their peers, and hopefully get a distribution deal out of the whole thing.

Currently in contention is the new film Chapter 27

Here's the Imdb Synopsis of the film:

New York City. December 1980. Mark Chapman arrives in New York with the intent to kill John Lennon. A depressed and unstable soul, Chapman is torn between his love and awe for John Lennon's persona and his desire to kill Lennon in order to gain notoriety for himself. The story portrays Chapman's mental collapse, which is played out through his obsession with JD Salinger's classic novel 'The Catcher in the Rye', as Chapman's demons win over, and persuade him to shoot Lennon on the steps of Lennon's apartment building.

The film is written and directed by J.P. Schaefer, and stars Jordan CatalonO in a fat suit, consisting of his actual body (luckily theres no eyeliner or crappy emo music in site). But the big news is that Lindsay Lohan also stars. When I first heard this i was quite impressed that she had chosen "this Film" as her acting debut, Honestly I would have assumed that she'd be starting off with some lame O' horror movie like "I recall some shit you pulled Last Winter" or Straight to video American Pie sequel.

It impressed me she was moving on from her former employ of being the drunk skank at parties, who flashes Vag, Bangs-out Mtv reality show stars, and fights with other Drunk skanks.

That was until I was informed that this was not in fact her acting debut. that Lindsay was in fact an already established actress. racking up credits in illustrious presentations like The parent Trap, Life Size, and even a guest starring spot on the Hit series That 70's show.

Color me surprised, bitch has plenty of experience and Now she's ready to move over to the big time. We Commend you Lindsay for pulling that straw away from your nostril, Wipeing the vomit stains from your "clever catchphrase emblazoned" Tee, and sinking your teeth into an indie feature role as meaty as jared leto's wrists in this movie

Brava! Linds Brava!